thou shalt not conform when thou could blaze thy own path..

daily log #2

ya ever feel like wearing clothes 3 sizes too big and ya just went for a dip in cold water?

well..these are one of those day. bloodily draggy, self-preservatingly annoying and ya cant stop to think cos u run on low resources.

*sigh..need a long break to replenish. been using my resource for too long and no updating of the info pantry, thus i'm running real low on self inducing external hormones. (for those who doesnt know wat i'm talking bout, read exhausted)

articles on net no longer surprises me, friends chat no longer get me movin, shoulder ache and mind bloggingly messed up. so many adjectives in a sentence. mrs wong (my primary 6 teacher) would be real proud if she reads this. she was one of the reason i get so good at english, besides me mum la. she initiated me into taking eng as a hobby, cos i was really bad at it ages ago. one fine day, she mentioned me name in the class, "angela, your english is very good."

eyes beaming, i know deep inside tat i suck, but i wanted to believe really badly tat i did ok. i was in 1D to 5D during my primary school. it's mere average class students. so i promised meself if i got into 6A, i'll do real good. promise.

so i went and check me name one fine day and get to the name list. there it was. name in numbering of one. sweet haleluyah. then i went in, still beaming with pride, and looked around the room for my potential seating. the class room was empty.

as i was reminiscing, a couple of boys came in and as they saw me in there, mumbled apology and went off. but not before i saw tis boy.

couldnt stop thinking bout him for 5 wonderful years. i could draw the back of his head at the drop of a hat. when he's sick, it would be my blue days. when he's around, i felt a presence.

in form 4, he got into a rela with a gal in the class. slim tall thing with legs to die for, voice the sound of tornado, temper the similarity of lightning, liked to hit guys real hard and the iq tat went to the moon n back. like peas in a pot. got a bit of sore throat. but got over it.

they broke up in the mid of form 5, aint my fault, didnt even do any voodoo to mar their rela. the gal wanted to study, the guy wanted to continue the rela. guess both priorities just changed along the way.

now he's in aussie or canada some where, doin his stuff. heard got a nice sg galpal over there. good for him. the gal went to uk do some phd. had a taiwan bf there. good for her.

here i am, doin programming in iT line. used to write nursing as my ambition. got one time put nanny as a profession (i was outta ideas to write la). police too dangerous, engineer too common, doc sure aint my cup, wife too boring, teacher never ever. didnt thought putting prime minister as some of me ex classmates did. didnt hav the ego i guess.

then went for form 6. didnt know where i'd end up. got applied to tar college for business admin. got in. same w my galpal. but didnt went cos nothing's fun w the name business admin.

so went form 6. my gang at form 5 class said die die dun wanna go form 6. the ones complaining the loudest got into form 6. i didnt say a word, but i got in too. guess the term pantang doesnt work with me.

form 6 was a blur. didnt know wat i studied, merely surviving everyday. got into a motivational camp w the teachers there. i was tat bad. haha..i worked with a bamboo stick (ask me wat i did).

my math teacher was one of the facilitator too. all i can say is, their program worked. i got pretty good result. got me first choice. didnt know y i chose system management in the first place. oh yea, i did remember. tat's cos the name is different. thought it might provide me with an edge when i go looking for jobs. yea rite, compared to science com's geeks who called themselves software engineers, i could only call me self a programmer. didnt thought of system engineer. stoopid.

during the motivational camp, i learnt a few valuable lessons.

that no matter how badly i do in my academics, it's not life and death and tat if i can survive the camp, so can the exams. i learnt when being alone, i still can do pretty well and tat nobody's around to tell me tat i'm wrong or right. which takes my mind off couples of things. tat a bamboo stick can bring out a lot in a team. one thing my teacher wrote which got me thinking, "angela, you are good enough."

nobody told me tat before, my mum's the type tat really take much import on self independence and self preservation. lots of stuff we can only learn through observation, but most of the time we r facing hypocrites, so how does one tell if one's doin the right thing? when one hears of one's mis behaviour through the mouth of others. tat's only when it's really bad enough. when one falls frm social grace, one falls splat on one's face head's on and there's nobody to pick u up. so paiseh. so threading is always an art to perfect consistently.

my sis bought me chic chop rice for dinner. i had a dilemma; to choose to eat chilli dressing or the sweet n sour dressing. end i ate both, with guilt tugging at my heart whenever i reach out for either one of the dressings. i've never been put at a spot by food before. guilty of pleasure, tat i am. then sis came back w orange juice. *drool. lately i got a penchant for orange juice. feels orangy just sipping it, sipping real slow. enjoying each savour..ya know when somebody in trouble; when they get simple satisfaction from fruit juices. gone fruity, tat i have.

yesterday was real hazy in the morn. i woke up real early, like 6.30 am. cos fear cant make it to off by 8.30. colls needed to test out smtg, and i dun wanna go work alone. so went there with face just woke up frm bed. sat at my place whole day, didnt even go toilet. went once, saw my own face in the mirror, so vowed not to go again for the day. i think i forgot to comb my hair tat day. either tat i suffer from another bad hair day.

as i fetched my colls back home, i passed by the wangsa maju lrt. heavy mist was shrouding it. it made me thought of olden cantonese ghost movies where i expect some jumping corpse wearing old chinese clothes. it was tat creepy. some more the opening of hell's gate is just around the corner. i'm not supersticious, just paranoid. so, it's always best to be at home n got scared by tv instead of the car's backview mirror.

today coll fetched. i was so tired lately tat i just slumped on the back seat and dozed off till i reached my house. he mentioned i looked sick, i felt sick. pukish and mind blogginly exhausted.

oh yea, did i mention bout the apprentice chair at my office? it's made from wood, been there since the first day i started working. whenever my supervisor needs to show or teach us smtg, he'd ask us to sit on the chair n watch through observation. i love tis com. used to train at a company where my project leader just plain ol suck. i would ask him questions and he would talk to the computer screen as if i didnt exist or not talk to me at all. but when another trainee asked him a question, he'd show and replied with gusto though i was standing right behind him. bloody $%^&*@#.

watched nippon paint's advertisement on tv. twas really nice. saw a clip of holi fest of some advertisement, it left mind bloggingly deep impression. red all over the street, mayo skin covered with red powder and red all over the wind. the people were wearing very sharp gaudy colorful clothes, it was deep impact. i love colors.

marble pult. a game initialised by malaysia. it's the game we kampung kids invented as an answer to boredom. didnt know the country's advocating towards it until i heard on tv. reminded me when i went for usj hommies gathering, where i played bowling with the kids there. a kid said i played marble balls before. never touched one, hmm..wonder where i'd be if i did go into marble-dom deeply. marble pult champion anyone?

my galpal n 2 of me homeboys went up genting cos one got a good bargain for the rooms there. cool really. too bad cant make it. work suck. then after they came back from the city of gamblers, she went online from a friend's room n chatted w me. i always thinks ppl who comes back frm a holiday n went online farney, never fails to tickle me off, haha.. some more programmers. cant part with the net much i guess. i wanted to give her a word of warning to watch out for the friend's bed. it's got blood spots all over it, open wounds u see..

went for yamcha w another of me galpal. went to a chillin plc; wow wow, even the name already puts a smile on me face. the downside of it is just i hav problem understanding the songs sang by the amateurs there. some amateurs are really good, but tat nite they had problem singing the songs i wrote. i cant write chinese u see, so i wrote their commercial english names and write in the column song titles "any of their songs". apparently they have problem seeking the songs based on the artistes i wrote. i gave them big range of songs to choose from and some more the free will of choosing which songs they can sing best based on the singers'. and wat do they gave me? gibberish songs which i've never heard of also. bugga betul. err..either tat those songs werent popularised by the radio thus i wouldnt know.

we chatted bout past rela n stuf. she told me stuf bout the ex n all. then i realise, most gals are really soft hearted. given any persistent guys, if they hang around long enough, they might wipe away the gals' walls of self preservation. thus it's a no wonder tat any gal would choose wisely before they commit to the butcher..err..i mean couple's ville. then we chat bout past conquest (pls ignore the choice of words tat i use, i'm one of the type of ppl who calls relationship the butcher's knife and describe the art of getting together as courtship..so u know where i'm goin with tis) and stuff. lotsa heart to heart talk tat nite.

but then tis gal is really great in a way. she aint fickle when it comes to rela and she's plainly waiting for somebody who's willing to be loyal to a gal and isnt playing around anymore. but course must be compatible in behaviour wise and must be willing to make a lot of time to be with her..which is the usual case la. if a guy's interested in a gal, regardless as friends or more, in the long run, even friendship also ended with some spark cos companionship tends to do tat. thus if ya not trying to lead anybody on, try to be warm n friendly but distant. else ppl see ya as fickle/flighty. most of the ppl i know always avoid the q whenever i ask, some times a fresh blunt approach would really make my day, tat way i dun need to smirk when i see the person being fickle around the object of their attraction but keep on denying bout it, sometimes it's so obvious i need to find a room to laugh. i knew a bunch of ppl who's pretty blunt bout their stuff n all. i hav nothing but respect for em. at least hypocrite aint the word to describe em..haha..irony.

anyway, tat's the log for these 2 days. the mood is a fickle thing. more interesting stuff happened, but cant point it out to write here.

well, there's always tomorrow.

Labels: Daily, Poignance

posted by M.E. # 12:17 PM

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thou shalt not conform when thou could blaze thy own path..

daily log #2

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