thou shalt not conform when thou could blaze thy own path..
Keeping An Arse of An Appearance
Yes, that's what I am at work. Keeping an arse of an appearance.
My hair isnt kept, my eyes are droopy by the time I come into work and goin back from work, my mind's not working half the time, my body is screaming for help, and my mouth is dry from no-usage. Ok, let's face it, I'm a moronic arsehole.
Sometimes, a person may feel like it's the end of the world for them, but for the outer appearance, they just appear collected and looked really well for their age. Like me. kakak..yes, I'm vain.
I'm taking in more freelance and it's eating up all my spare time. But I cant stop, cos once I stop, the mind-bogglingly irritating thinking starts.
Lately I'm losing sleep over thoughts that I cant shake. Nope, I'm not going crazy, yet. Cos if I am, I wouldnt be sitting here dissecting my own thoughts, shrinking myself and still able to behave like a normal person at work (so far nobody's complaining).
I know wat's the root of my problem, all I need is some time to sort it out while juggling the impending doom of owning a mortgage and rushing for datelines. Actually what I need is more time, which I cant afford and is running out fast. The next phase of life is coming, another impending doom. Cant I remain the way I am for the rest of my life? Cant I take pleasure in my own company and live my life in peace? Cant I be radical and abnormal and still be happy with it? I guess I just wanna be everyone else so nobody would question me and nag me and make my life a constant barrage of silly questions and careless riverie. Cant a girl be left alone?? Actually, I love the bit a lot; careless reverie. Guess now I'm just buying my time, and I'm buying them with really hard earn cash. I will have to earn more..*sigh..
Today got to work early. Woke up usual, just didnt use the toilet to max. Smells like my bed actually. Told my housemate that I'm giving em 2 months notice. Didnt tell em the house was ours. Dunno la, dun really feel like telling anybody that we bought a house, mayb it's my defense mechanism kicking in. Being a gal in a city makes one extremely cautious bout the info they give out. My experience taught me that. Anyway, housewarming will take up a lot later, like half a yr later. Cos need to equip the place w furniture before anything else. Otherwise guest would hav come my house picnic style, which is not really the way I want the housewarming to be.
So basically, I'm gonna rent out all the rooms first, except the master one. Then as I take in freelance n other odd jobs, I'll see if I can afford more of the rooms myself. It's really not easy, but I'll see where I can put in the effort.
What odd jobs I wanna take in when I moved in. Hmm..thinking of giving tutor lessons to kids, in the dining hall. Hmm..need to get big dining table for that. Actually I wanted to get round dining table, easier for entertaining guests, but not easy for tutoring a bunch of kids, 2 times a week. Then I wanna give out simple manicure sessions during the weekend or weekdays nite, my plc got lotsa students. Then I wanna start doing my DIY hobbies again, painting, drawing and mayb a music lesson or salsa. After I had my painting and drawing stuff goin on, mayb I'll try selling the stuff online. Then I wanna start making clothes. Dresses actually. Then can make pretty dresses and sell em online. At nite when I'm free, I can do my iT freelance, after I install the cable. And during free time, I gotta study for my pro cert. I think I gt start taking long distance learning, need to get my master. So many things, so little time.
I've been wanting to do all those stuff, but as usual procrastination and fear of the unknown kicked in. I fear I cant handle it. Mayb a step at a time, a starting point somewhere.
Hmm..only time will tell.
My hair isnt kept, my eyes are droopy by the time I come into work and goin back from work, my mind's not working half the time, my body is screaming for help, and my mouth is dry from no-usage. Ok, let's face it, I'm a moronic arsehole.
Sometimes, a person may feel like it's the end of the world for them, but for the outer appearance, they just appear collected and looked really well for their age. Like me. kakak..yes, I'm vain.
I'm taking in more freelance and it's eating up all my spare time. But I cant stop, cos once I stop, the mind-bogglingly irritating thinking starts.
Lately I'm losing sleep over thoughts that I cant shake. Nope, I'm not going crazy, yet. Cos if I am, I wouldnt be sitting here dissecting my own thoughts, shrinking myself and still able to behave like a normal person at work (so far nobody's complaining).
I know wat's the root of my problem, all I need is some time to sort it out while juggling the impending doom of owning a mortgage and rushing for datelines. Actually what I need is more time, which I cant afford and is running out fast. The next phase of life is coming, another impending doom. Cant I remain the way I am for the rest of my life? Cant I take pleasure in my own company and live my life in peace? Cant I be radical and abnormal and still be happy with it? I guess I just wanna be everyone else so nobody would question me and nag me and make my life a constant barrage of silly questions and careless riverie. Cant a girl be left alone?? Actually, I love the bit a lot; careless reverie. Guess now I'm just buying my time, and I'm buying them with really hard earn cash. I will have to earn more..*sigh..
Today got to work early. Woke up usual, just didnt use the toilet to max. Smells like my bed actually. Told my housemate that I'm giving em 2 months notice. Didnt tell em the house was ours. Dunno la, dun really feel like telling anybody that we bought a house, mayb it's my defense mechanism kicking in. Being a gal in a city makes one extremely cautious bout the info they give out. My experience taught me that. Anyway, housewarming will take up a lot later, like half a yr later. Cos need to equip the place w furniture before anything else. Otherwise guest would hav come my house picnic style, which is not really the way I want the housewarming to be.
So basically, I'm gonna rent out all the rooms first, except the master one. Then as I take in freelance n other odd jobs, I'll see if I can afford more of the rooms myself. It's really not easy, but I'll see where I can put in the effort.
What odd jobs I wanna take in when I moved in. Hmm..thinking of giving tutor lessons to kids, in the dining hall. Hmm..need to get big dining table for that. Actually I wanted to get round dining table, easier for entertaining guests, but not easy for tutoring a bunch of kids, 2 times a week. Then I wanna give out simple manicure sessions during the weekend or weekdays nite, my plc got lotsa students. Then I wanna start doing my DIY hobbies again, painting, drawing and mayb a music lesson or salsa. After I had my painting and drawing stuff goin on, mayb I'll try selling the stuff online. Then I wanna start making clothes. Dresses actually. Then can make pretty dresses and sell em online. At nite when I'm free, I can do my iT freelance, after I install the cable. And during free time, I gotta study for my pro cert. I think I gt start taking long distance learning, need to get my master. So many things, so little time.
I've been wanting to do all those stuff, but as usual procrastination and fear of the unknown kicked in. I fear I cant handle it. Mayb a step at a time, a starting point somewhere.
Hmm..only time will tell.
Labels: Self-Mock
posted by M.E. # 9:09 AM
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