thou shalt not conform when thou could blaze thy own path..
Phobia
Everybody has their own set of unique phobias.
So do I.
Since I was small, my mum always force us to go to church, mostly for character building and social development aspect (so I believe, I didnt ask her).
I never like goin to church, not then, not now. Now is for a whole different kind of reason, then is cause of the phobia.
My mum never get it why I didnt like goin to church, she just thought I liked watching Smurfs and My Little Ponies then. The reason runs deeper than surface.
I grew up and educated in a co-malay-ed school (eng-ed if u cannot understand this). All my sisters are brought up in chinese schools, at home we speak our mother tongue.
The church my family gone to was a methodist church, chinese speaking one. The only english speaking one then was the Catholic church, which none of my family went.
I used to dread going to church, cause smtimes when the teacher asked us to read a passage aloud to the class, I'd pray real hard he/she didnt ask me. Even when I was in the same class as my sister's also I dread to be asked to read aloud.
I dun really know if my mum ever told them that I cant read chinese at all, or even understand a word of what they say.
Then God threw in another challenge for me to take on; Hyperopia aka Farsightedness. Reading and understanding what the heck the others are singing is already a tough brow-sweating task, not knowing what to read and what song came next, wow, that requires a bit of a creative skill. I didnt wanna wear the spec my mum just got for me cause it made me looked smart when I really feel like a walking stoopid fool pretending to be intelligent. That's how I developed my short term memory skills, a temporary storage mechanism before purging them out after the whole session's ended. How much irony I've lived thru..*sigh..
Most of the time, I ad-libbed, or mouthing air. I still fit in when the song praising went on, after yrs I just got used to memorising the lyrics, but never got to understand it.
It was ok for a while, havin kleptomania when being asked to go church, then the illness magically dissappear when my mum went out.
Sitting in front of the tv one day watching Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, I realised, I'll never hav a regular childhood, having all my fears mapped out in front of me.
If one day ur kid says they r not well when one can perfectly see em playing in the living room, they r really just kids w issues which requires a bit of a elemental child shrink approach; be nice to them, dun scold and judge, play w them and made them feel accepted then asked them nicely what's going on or why they dun wanna do smtg. Be specific, kids cant think like an adult yet, for them, their current issue means the world to them, which is true as their world at that time was pretty small. If they dun wanna answer, be patient, dun push. Ask again some other time. They will tell u when they r ready to share.
Actually, that approach also works for adult. Just we usually hav high expectations of them, but really most of the time, they r also big kids wearing G2000.
Anyway, just the other day, as I sat chatting w my galpals, I realised, my childhood fear never really got erased. As they were chatting like speed trains, I got lost in my thought, couldnt catch up. When I got some feedbacks, I realise I speak like a total nincompoop, "Err, arr..U know.." then everybody focused on me, making me feel totally self conscious, made me choked down watever remarks I got and continued eating.
How I hate the fast chinese speaking society.
"I wish I was a kid again, where bruised knees heal faster than broken heart." - Anon
So do I.
Since I was small, my mum always force us to go to church, mostly for character building and social development aspect (so I believe, I didnt ask her).
I never like goin to church, not then, not now. Now is for a whole different kind of reason, then is cause of the phobia.
My mum never get it why I didnt like goin to church, she just thought I liked watching Smurfs and My Little Ponies then. The reason runs deeper than surface.
I grew up and educated in a co-malay-ed school (eng-ed if u cannot understand this). All my sisters are brought up in chinese schools, at home we speak our mother tongue.
The church my family gone to was a methodist church, chinese speaking one. The only english speaking one then was the Catholic church, which none of my family went.
I used to dread going to church, cause smtimes when the teacher asked us to read a passage aloud to the class, I'd pray real hard he/she didnt ask me. Even when I was in the same class as my sister's also I dread to be asked to read aloud.
I dun really know if my mum ever told them that I cant read chinese at all, or even understand a word of what they say.
Then God threw in another challenge for me to take on; Hyperopia aka Farsightedness. Reading and understanding what the heck the others are singing is already a tough brow-sweating task, not knowing what to read and what song came next, wow, that requires a bit of a creative skill. I didnt wanna wear the spec my mum just got for me cause it made me looked smart when I really feel like a walking stoopid fool pretending to be intelligent. That's how I developed my short term memory skills, a temporary storage mechanism before purging them out after the whole session's ended. How much irony I've lived thru..*sigh..
Most of the time, I ad-libbed, or mouthing air. I still fit in when the song praising went on, after yrs I just got used to memorising the lyrics, but never got to understand it.
It was ok for a while, havin kleptomania when being asked to go church, then the illness magically dissappear when my mum went out.
Sitting in front of the tv one day watching Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, I realised, I'll never hav a regular childhood, having all my fears mapped out in front of me.
If one day ur kid says they r not well when one can perfectly see em playing in the living room, they r really just kids w issues which requires a bit of a elemental child shrink approach; be nice to them, dun scold and judge, play w them and made them feel accepted then asked them nicely what's going on or why they dun wanna do smtg. Be specific, kids cant think like an adult yet, for them, their current issue means the world to them, which is true as their world at that time was pretty small. If they dun wanna answer, be patient, dun push. Ask again some other time. They will tell u when they r ready to share.
Actually, that approach also works for adult. Just we usually hav high expectations of them, but really most of the time, they r also big kids wearing G2000.
Anyway, just the other day, as I sat chatting w my galpals, I realised, my childhood fear never really got erased. As they were chatting like speed trains, I got lost in my thought, couldnt catch up. When I got some feedbacks, I realise I speak like a total nincompoop, "Err, arr..U know.." then everybody focused on me, making me feel totally self conscious, made me choked down watever remarks I got and continued eating.
How I hate the fast chinese speaking society.
"I wish I was a kid again, where bruised knees heal faster than broken heart." - Anon
Labels: Childhood
posted by M.E. # 6:46 PM
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